Journal Entries

It's been a while since I've last updated. My bad. I got completely distracted. I just finished watching an anime and it might be my new favourite anime. Hellsing Ultimate. It was super good. I have so many emotions about it. I recommend it to anyone who doesn't mind dark themes. It's only 10 episodes long, which makes me sad because I need more.

It's about vampires and stuff. I am not very good at explaining things and I also don't want to spoil anything, but I just really really loved it. My two favourite characters were Alucard and Pip Bernadotte. I think that they're both super cool (and super hot LOL) but all of the protagonists are amazing to me. It makes me want to watch more anime with vampires in it but I don't think anything will measure up. I already watch Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and Dio is a vampire, and I have been meaning to watch Castlevania too. Alucard will probably always be my favourite anime vampire though.

I also really love the music that is featured in the anime. I am listing to a song from it right now. It's called Shinto Shite by Suilen. It gets me pretty emotional because of when the song plays in the anime, but it's just so good. Another song I love is Magnolia by Suilen. I actually knew that song before watching the anime, and it was how I first learned of the anime, but I didn't decide to watch it until a few days ago because someone on Tumblr reblogged some art of the characters and I thought they all looked super cool. I didn't know a single thing about it before watching it and I think that helped with my enjoyment. I am trying to get my one friend to watch this anime too because I need someone to talk about it with and I think they will love it. I hope that they watch it soon.

Other than the anime, I can't think of much else that I have done. Before I watched the anime I watched Glass Onion, which was amazing, and Ed Wood. That was the biopic directed by Tim Burton. It was great. It had me more interested in the life of Bela Lugosi though. He seems like he had an interesting life.

I just cannot stop thinking about Hellsing Ultimate though. The fandom seems pretty small though, and most fanfiction is for Alucard. I'm not complaining about that, but I also really like Pip Bernadotte just as much, if not more. He reminds me of my favourite character from Jojo, Joseph Joestar. I really need to get back into Jojo. I don't actually watch a lot of anime. I might just be really picky about it, a lot of them seem like they will not be that interesting. If I can find more anime like Hellsing Ultimate then I will be happy.

It's almost the end of February. It's the last day of February in fact. A lot of cool things are releasing in March if I am remembering correctly. Resident Evil 4 remake is the thing I have my eyes on. That releases on March 24th. I am so excited for that one, and I get to finally play Resident Evil 4. It is a lot of people's favourite Resident Evil game and I hope it does the original justice. I won't know if it does personally, but I trust the opinion of others. I just hope I don't like it better than Resident Evil Village. Another thing that is coming out in March is the new season of The Mandalorian. I am so so so excited for that. It is my favourite show on Disney Plus. I cannot wait to see what happens. I hope Luke Skywalker makes another appearance. I am wondering if any fan favourite characters are also going to be appearing? Do you think that Han Solo could show up? Maybe Lando? Who knows. Maybe a character that I don't know anything about will show up. There are tons of Star Wars shows I haven't really watched, but a lot of them take place in the prequel era, so you have to wonder who is still alive.

I think that will be it for today from me. I hope everyone has a good day, and go watch Hellsing Ultimate.

Happy friday. It's currently the evening and I am watching a Twitch VOD while writing this. I'm watching Hollowtones play Dwarf Fortress. It looks like a really cool game, and I tried to play the classic version of the game earlier because it's free, but I was having trouble seeing what was going on because of how that version looks, and also, I think the zoom was glitched, because it would not zoom. Maybe I will get the Steam version at one point. I am fine with watching VODs for now.

Other than that I have not done much of anything so far today. Maybe I will play some Sims 4 later. I am super excited for the new expansion that's coming out, and the babies update. A bunch of mods will be broken when those things release, so I might have to wait a bit. I might even fully uninstall one mod for a while because of how broken it's bound to be. The Realistic Birth mod by PandaSama. It's a cool mod, but I get annoyed whenever my Sims give birth when I use that mod because of how long it takes. Sometimes I'm playing and it will get late, then all of a sudden my pregnant Sim will decide it's time for them to give birth and I have to wait like, 15 minutes or more for them to give birth before I can save and quit.

There's also another mod that I know will be very broken when the update comes around. A certain adult mod that I'm not gonna name directly because it's oh so embarrasing to have, but it's going to be scary broken. I really hope that the upcoming Sims 4 stuff isn't going to be dissapointing. It looks promising but when it comes to Sims 4, don't get your hopes up. Maybe I will make a list of my favourite Sims mods and add it to my site? I have been wanting to repurpose my "funny" section in my website into something else. Maybe it can be for reviews, or links to stuff I enjoy? I could even make a whole separate page for each thing? That would be fun to work on. The only problem with that is I have no idea what the site I made my buttons on was called. Hopefully I will remember. And I have been looking for a way to add a comment function for people to comment on my things. It might be hard to figure out, might be pretty easy. I have no clue.

I would love to share my opinions on things that I play, watch, or listen to, because clearly I have a lot to say about a lot of things.

I don't really have much else to talk about tonight, so I'll end it here. Hopefully I will actually play something tonight instead of getting distracted like I always do.

So, I missed yesterday. This wouldn't be the first time I got completely distracted by PowerWash Simulator. Though, it's not like anyone is excitedly waiting for me to post on here. I wonder how people get views? I am not sure. It's not that I care that much anyways. I just think it's cool to have a little website that I made on my own, that's the main reason why I made this in the first place. Though I do have to wonder another thing, how do people make friends through Neocities? If anyone knows, I would love to be let in on that information.

What happened yesterday though. Well, like I said earlier, I played PowerWash Simulator mostly. I listened to a podcast while playing it too. My Brother, My Brother and Me is probably my favourite podcast to listen to. I've been a fan of theirs for a long time now. Probably since I was 15 or 16. I still find the McElroys to be very entertaining and funny. I also listened to the first half of the first episode of their new campaign in The Adventure Zone. I have never actually really listened to their first campaign because I have trouble focusing on it. Hopefully I can find more time to listen to this one so I can follow along. I do have their first graphic novel for The Adventure Zone. I am hoping to get the others eventually. If I ever get the chance to go to the mall maybe they will be there.

Speaking of the mall, I went to my local mall recently to go see M3GAN in the theaters, and the movie store was gone! I'm not going to name it because I think they are local to my area, but the location in the mall that's usually next to a GameStop is gone. I was so sad to see it was no longer there. I got so many movies from there, and I even always wanted to work there too. My favourite thing I got from there was probably my Blu-ray box set of Batman: The Animated Series. I got that for my 21st birthday last year and it is one of my favourite things that I own. There is another store to buy movies from in the mall, but i really loved that store a lot. I wish more people would buy physical movies so all the stores that supply them can stay in business. I would go to those stores more but I don't have a driver's license and I can't go to the mall whenever I want. Physical media is always the best. I do enjoy streaming movies and tv shows and music, but nothing is better than having your own copy of your favourite movie, tv show, or having a cd collection for your favourite band. I feel better knowing that I can give them some cd sales, because the money they get from Spotify is not a lot apparently.

Another thing I love to do is go to the library. It's only a short walk from my house and it's nice to have somewhere to go. Sadly, it is still too cold and snowy outside for me to walk to the library yet, but when the weather gets warm, I'm going to go as often as I can. I need to exercise anyway. I also love going to the convenience store and the thrift store after my trip to the library too. I don't have a lot of money so it's nice to get some new clothes or anything cool that might be at the store, plus it's a local place and all proceeds go to charity. The last thing I got from the thrift store was some movies. I got the first 6 Star Wars movies on dvd in a box set, and a really nice copy of Moulin Rouge. The copies of Star Wars that I got are the first release of the original trilogy on dvd, ever. I think it's super cool to have. I don't know how rare it is, but it's special to me.

But back to the library, I really like it there, but they don't really have much of anything from my favourite author, Clive Barker. They only have Books of Blood vol 1. It is a really good book that I recommend to anyone who likes horror, but I wish my library had The Hellbound Heart or Cabal, or even the other volumes of Books of Blood. I even wish that my library had more horror novels in general. They have Stephen King and Dean Koontz, but I want Clive Barker books the most. I'd even settle for more Neil Gaiman, but they don't seem to have much of him either. Maybe I will have to look into some other genres too. One of my favourite books that I read last year was Death Troopers by Joel Schreiber. It's a Star Wars book, but it's a horror novel. It's pretty much a zombie book but I really love using Star Wars as a base for novels. If there's a book that's both horror and Star Wars, I'm reading it. I also finished reading The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells last year too. I really loved it. I still have a bunch of other H.G. Wells books to read. That reminds me, I can't recall there being any classic horror novels at my library. I must check right now.

It doesn't look like it's at my local library. I will have to put it on hold when the spring comes around. The library also got a new website. it's a little hard to navigate though. I am seeing a lot of stuff that's for kids, and I don't know how normal that is and I don't know why that could be.

I think I have talked about enough for one day. I hope to have something to talk about tomorrow.

So it turns out that if I turn off my bookmarks bar in Firefox, that fixes things and now my website looks how it's supposed to. I found that out last night right after posting my first entry. it also turns out that I haven't finished editing my site because all of the links in my writing section opened in my iframe, so I had to fix that too. And I had a migraine so I ended up not doing any of the gaming that I said I'd do. Oh well. I can't even remember what I did after that. I think I just looked around at some other websites and got started on a new piece of art. I will be sure to post that when I'm done with it. Also, I got my first follower! If you are reading this, you know who you are. Hello!

Nothing much happened today though. I am unemployed and have been for so long, I don't think that I will ever be able to get a job. It's scary, because what am I going to do? I have the worst possible combination of mental issues, so unless I can get a job from home, or I can work freelance somehow, I'm screwed. At least learning html is a new skill. If I learn it well enough, maybe I can add it to my resume.

I mean, I know how to do a lot of things, but I have no idea how to network or how to put myself out there. I can edit videos, I can do digital art, I can edit photos, I can kinda do this html stuff, so how can I use those skills?

Anyways, I was just watching some gameplay of that new game, Hi-Fi Rush. It looks so good. Sadly, I don't have an Xbox or a good enough computer to be able to play it. I guess one reason I want to get a job is so I can get either a decent computer, or an Xbox.

A lot of my favourite game franchises are becoming Xbox exclusive since Bethesda became part of Xbox. I am a huge fan of Fallout, and The Outer Worlds, but I won't be able to play those. It makes me so sad. I hate console exclusive titles. They're so annoying. The only upcoming RPG that I have left to look forward to for the time being is Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines 2, and that's development hell. And there's also the Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic remake that's happening, but I have no clue what is even going on with that. I really hope that they don't screw that one up, same with VTMB2.

There are a few games that I am looking forward to though. The remake of Resident Evil 4. I am so excited about that. I would have played the original but I cannot play with those controls. I have the same problem with the Silent Hill games and apparently Silent Hill is getting a remake soon too. I got into Resident Evil in 2021 because of Resident Evil Village, and I have played that game so much. It has got to be one of my favourite games of all time. I know it like the back of my hand. The main protagonist, Ethan Winters, might just be my favourite character of all time. But if not that, then he is totally my favourite Resident Evil character, followed by Leon Kennedy of course. Speaking of, I have not managed to finish playing Resident Evil 2. I have the remake but I seem to be not very good at it, and also very scared of Mr. X. I am not good at sneaking around in video games, and I don't want to deal with him chasing me the entire time when there's other enemies around too.

I had no idea that this was going to be so long. I didn't know that I had so much to talk about. I can even still think of more things I want to say but I worry this will become too much. Plus, what if I say so much here, that I have nothing to talk about tomorrow? So I should end this here. I hope that whoever is reading this has a good day/evening/night, and thank you for actually reading. Bye bye!

This is my first time writing in here. Very exciting. Hello everyone who is reading this! I have had a bit of a hard time getting this whole thing to work.It's been about a week or so of working on this. I have had a lot of fun though! But also lots of headaches.

I am having the most problems with how everything is looking in my prefered browser, Firefox. I do not like Chrome but I have just been so frustrated with getting everything to look nice over in Firefox that I just thought, "Screw it. I don't care enough." But, if anyone has any tips on how I can fix it, please let me know. I have a guest book, so you could put it there!

I'm also wondering if I should have these journals go in chronological order or reverse. I have to figure that out sooner than later, before I have too many entries and it becomes a hassle to switch. I also need to fix up the art section, the images are loading too slow because they're the same size as the work itself, which is too big. Need to make smaller thumbnails for sure. I don't know if anyone is going to even read this, but I would also love to make more friends! I could put my Discord up sometime maybe? I am too tired to worry about anything like that. I just wanna write this and then play a visual novel or something like that. Maybe one of the millions of RPGs that I've started but never finished. Maybe I will just add my Discord quick. Its not like its hard to do. Just a paragraph and then I'm good to go. I don't know if I have anything else to say here today. This is all new to me and I am having fun with it. Thats all for now then. Have a good day/night!

It has been a long time since I have written in this, probably because I have been spending all the time since my last entry updating my site. I like my new layout a lot. It's one by sadgrl, but I think I edited it pretty heavily. The part of the site with all of the content is actually an iframe, as well as the album of the week section. It's just easier like that, so whenever I want to add something to my sidebars or whatever, I can just do it to one html document, rather than having to make the edit on all of them. It makes it much easier to manage. I also hope that my site looks okay for others, and that stuff isn't overlapping. The elements on the side do that whenever it’s zoomed in or if someone looks at my site on mobile. I try not to worry about it, because it makes things harder to finish. I am too much of a perfectionist and it really is crippling when you love to create. It's the reason I am so slow with making art. I make maybe 2 or 3 pieces a year? I am not really counting. But I just wish it was easier to make art. I think I am not as much of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing. I just like to have fun, and what I write for the time being is only fanfiction so I don’t think that it is too big of a deal.

Yesterday, I went to the mall to see the newest Scream movie, Scream VI, and it was really good. I liked it a lot, it was much better than Scream V. I thought that the scenes with Ghostface were really hot this time around. Especially that one scene in the convenience store. I'm realizing how weird that sounds to someone who doesn't find slasher villains hot, but I promise that there is no need to be concerned.

I have been really into Yakuza lately though. I have been playing Yakuza 0 and I love it. I am not that far through it at all, and I have already been playing for over 40 hours. I cannot wait to play the other games in the series. I really love the character Goro Majima. He's my favourite and I am sad that he is only playable in Yakuza 0 and in a section in Yakuza Kiwami 2. I really want him to be a protagonist again. SEGA recently discovered that Majima is really popular with the female fans in a poll they did a while back, so they might bring him back for more because of how many "fangirls" he has. Of course, it's not just the girls that love him in that way, but that’s what all the articles are talking about. I saw a video that said that it was confirmed for Majima to be in the newest game that’s supposed to be coming out next year. He should have a pretty big part, because they’re bringing Kiryu back as a protagonist. He has weird hair now, I wonder if Majima will look different. He's supposed to be in his 50s in Yakuza: Like a Dragon, but he looks younger than when he was 20. That old man is aging like a fine wine.

But, at the mall yesterday, I was going to get Resident Evil 4, but they were sold out on PS5 and PS4. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I got a PS5. It's really cool and I was hoping for Resident Evil 4 to be my first physical PS5 game but I will have to wait. I also asked about the latest Yakuza game. It’s a remake of a spinoff and it's called Like a Dragon: Ishin but they didn't have that either. So, I looked over at the games and got the first game in the Yakuza spinoff series Judgement. I've been wanting to check it out since I got into Yakuza but now I have it. I haven't gotten the chance to try it out because as soon as I got home from the movies and the mall I was so tired I went right to sleep at 8:00 PM. Well, it was more of a nap, then after the nap I ate something, then I went to bed around 10:50 PM. I will hopefully play it soon.

My PS5 is really cool though. It's really cool. The controller feels awesome to use. My only complaint is that my earbuds sound weird. I plug my earbuds in and there's a buzzing that's usually on the left. Sometimes it's really loud, sometimes it's not. I have to reset my controller a lot. I won’t hear it if I have headphones and not earbuds, but I don’t like my only pair of headphones that much. They are falling apart and the sound balance is slightly off. Maybe one day I can get some good headphones that I can connect to my PS5, but for now I will have to deal with it.

I have also been getting back into learning French again. I have been using Duolingo on my laptop and I am surprised at how much I remember. I am having a lot of fun learning another language and French is probably an important one for me to learn, considering that I am a Canadian and French is our "other" language, or whatever that's called. I also just think it's fun to learn another language. It's impressive to other people when someone can speak more than their mother tongue. I already knew French from what I learned for all those years in school, so I have some knowlege that will help me learn it properly. I hope one day that I get to the point where I can understand the majority of what someone someone speaking French says. I think it will be an exciting feeling.

Another exciting thing lately is the weather! It is getting to be nice out again. The sun is coming out more, the snow is melting, and hopefully it will be warm enough for me to walk to the library almost everyday. I already know what I plan on checking out as soon as I can. My friend has been rereading the Hunger Games books and I have been wanting to reread them too. I really do love The Hunger Games. They're great books and even the movies are pretty good. I think the books will always hold up. I can't speak for the prequel book, I think that one is recent and I don't plan on reading it. I am mostly just excited to go for walks again. I love going for walks and going into the stores, and being alone. I love to go out by myself.

I think that's all I will talk about for now. Have a good day/afternoon/evening/night!

Wow. It has been a long time since I have updated this. My bad. My mind has been elsewhere. I have been fully obsessed with Hellsing. I even watched the original anime because I learned that it has a different plot from the manga and hellsing ultimate. I have also become more and more obsessed with Alucard. He is just so cool to me. I have also been using spacehey a lot. I haven’t really spoken to anyone yet, but I am hoping to make some friends there. That is another reason why I have been neglecting to update my neocities. That is my bad.

I really have had such a strong hyperfixation on Hellsing, it’s all I ever think about. It also makes me want to consume anything with vampires in it, and now I even want to be a vampire more than ever. When the nice weather comes around, I am going to start going for walks everyday to the library, and I am going to start reading more, and I am going to lose weight, just so I can look like the vampire I want to look like in my dreams. I won’t be able to get taller, but in my mind, the way I want to look as a vampire is going to take more than just some fangs. Speaking of fangs, I have to wait all the way until October to get them. There’s those fancy fangs you sculpt to your teeth or something that you get from Spirit Halloween. I need to have those. I need fangs really badly. I also need to figure out what I want to do with my hair. I am probably going to colour it black like Alucard, and I will probably get my shoulder length shag again. I don’t know what I want to do about my bangs though. When I get to have my haircut, I will figure it out then, but for now, I just need to wait until the weather warms up and I can finally go for walks again. That is how far I am taking this whole vampire thing. I have never felt so serious about a personal transformation before. I don’t know if there's any reason for my sudden obsession with appearing as a vampire, but I think it will be a fun and satisfying journey. On top of appearances, I also plan on typing more eloquently, and speaking in a manner that would be deemed as more proper and polite. This, of course, is optional, and depending on how I feel about it later on, I may not continue doing it all of the time.
Because of this shift, I have been thinking of doing something different with my neocities, but this layout took so long to do. I will have to figure out what I am going to do about it, because sometimes it feels really cramped. I think I need more space for this journal and my other stuff as well on my website. It seems my vampiric transformation will take more than just a physical and mental form.

I have not told my friends about wanting to become a vampire just yet. They know I like Hellsing, but I don’t think they get just how strong of a hold that it has on me. I don’t know if they will realize how much I want to change my appearance to reflect that of a vampire, whether they figure it out on their own, or I tell them, or if they read my website. I still only have one follower.

But part of me is nervous about being open about this to them. It’s silly, but I am always afraid of judgment. I don’t think I will tell my family about this want, I think that they will only assume that I am becoming more goth, or that I am losing weight for my health. I have always had an attachment to the macabre, and I have always had a strange relationship with blood. Frequent bloody noses can give you a taste for your own blood, considering how much blood reaches your lips before you get the chance to reach for a tissue. On top of the bloody noses, I have always been very pale, I have trouble sleeping at night, I hate the sun, and I often get cuts on my mouth from my sharp canine teeth.

Regardless of it all, having something like this to be able to embrace is very exciting to me. I cannot wait to start my journey, and hopefully I will become happier after the fact. I simply do not like my appearance most of the time, but I can tell that if I looked more like a vampire, I would feel more like myself than I ever could if I remained my current self.

Because of Hellsing, and because of my love for Alucard, I like to imagine in my head that he sired me somehow. It sounds very silly, but I think that it’s fun for me to believe that to be true. He was like my sexual awakening, but with vampirism.

I would also like to note that my reason for choosing to walk to the library of all places, is to read more books about vampires. They are hard to find, sadly. I am not looking for fiction, I am looking for nonfiction or anything similar. If I cannot find anything, then I will have to settle for the next best thing. Manga about vampires. My local library does not have the biggest selection of manga, but I can read the classics instead if I must. I have not read Dracula before. Any gothic literature would be good enough for me.

I feel that this is all I have to say for now. I hope to be more consistent with my journals in the future. Thank you for anyone who reads, and does not feel the urge to make fun of me.

Hello! It has been a long time since I have written in this journal. I have not had the time to update this at all. My headphones broke a while ago, I have been doing other things, and I just haven't felt like updating this lately. But today, I do feel like updating, plus I got new headphones the other day. Today is my last day of being 21 years old! I turn 22 tomorrow. My birthday is April 7th. I still don't feel like I am this old. I was supposed to enter adult life just as the pandemic started, so that might have messed me up a bit in multiple ways. I hope to get better eventually.

I have been into Resident Evil lately, but I still haven't played Resident Evil 4 remake yet. I hope that I can get it soon. I have been talking about it a lot with my friend, who has gotten into it recently because they got the Resident Evil DLC for Dead by Daylight and they are obsessed with Albert Wesker. I am as well. Ethan Winters is still my favourite character though. I have also been into Yakuza still, I have not had the ability to play it for a while because I did not have headphones that I could use and I do not want to use the speakers with my TV. I don't like it when people can hear what I am doing or watching. I am scared that someone is going to say something to me about it. It also means that I have not played much of Judgement yet either. I have still played some video games though. I did have back up headphones but they are old, falling apart, and hurt my head a lot. I only used them occasionally. Since getting my headphones back, I have been playing mostly Dead by Daylight. I am not good at killer anymore. I used to be killer main, but the game is so different now, that everything feels different. I might stick to survivor for the most part. I have somehow gotten much better at playing survivor than I used to. I have gotten much better at chases. I showed up on someone Twitch stream yesterday too. I still haven't seen the VOD of it yet because it seems to be missing, but I have a clip of it from my end still.

I have been playing DBD since 2018, when I was 17 years old. Now I am turning 22 tomorrow and it is crazy that I have been playing it for so long. My killer main has always been Huntress, but my survivor main was Nea until I got Quentin. Now I main Quentin and sometimes Felix or Ash. I also play as Ghostface a lot but I have a hard time with playing as killer now.

I am hoping to play some games today that I have been meaning to plau more of. More Yakuza, more Judgement, and finish Lego Star Wars for the second time. The save progress from the PS4 version does not carry over. Thankfully, some games let my progress carry over, like Cyberpunk 2077, and the Resident Evil games. I don't mind replaying Lego Star Wars that much. I have a lot of fun with it. It is going to take a long time for me to get all my upgrades and trophies back. I also have to get a bunch of my RE8 trophies back too. I have to do another speedrun, and I have to do a bunch of stuff over again. I don't really mind that much though. It isn't as bad because my savefiles can carry over. I've just been doing a regular easy playthrough again so I can get infinite ammo on my STAKE handgun. Then I can speedrun even faster than my first time. I really do want to get platinum for RE8, it will be hard but I will be so proud of myself when I do it.

I love trophy hunting but it can be stressful. There are games that have easy trophies, and there are some games where I know I will never get the platinum. I only have one platinum and I got it the other day too with the game TOEM. It was a really cute game and I finished it in one sitting. I have also been working on getting platinum with Lego Star Wars on my PS4 save, but I have to start over with the PS5 version. I will be looking into getting platinum on a number of games, seeing which ones are easy to get all of the trophies on.

Other than talking about gaming, the weather is getting nicer. There has been rain for the past few days, which I do like, but today the sun is out. I am glad that it is warming up because that means I can go to the library soon. I love going for walks and going to the library. It is so nice to finally be alone and to go somewhere that doesn't reqire me to spend any money. Another thing that has been going on as well is my friends and I planning on making Ghostface-sonas. Like if we were Ghostface. I have already made art of mine, and it was fun to draw something again and actually finish it. I am hoping to see everyone else's Ghostface's soon so I can make some fun doodles with them all.

I don't think that I can think of anything else to talk about right now. I might go play video games now. It was fun writing today, have a good one.

It has been a month since my last entry. It is a new month. I have much to talk about. Lately, I have been very into the Yakuza games. I finished Yakuza 0 a while ago and it made my cry my eyes out. My favourite character is 100% Majima. I really love him and I think that his character is really interesting. Yakuza 0 is really really good and I cannot reccomend it enough.

Other than Yakuza, I have been into Resident Evil again. I have gotten RE4 remake and I haven't finished playing it yet because I have been so focused on Yakuza but I really enjoy it so far. I am not sure if I am going to play it as much as I have played RE8, but I might play it more than once. I play on assisted because I need help with auto aim because I suck at aiming normally. I wish that the games didn't punish you for playing on that mode. They treat assisted mode in a way that makes it not count, if that makes sense.

I have gotten into Resident Evil again because myself and some friends have all made self inserts and we have gotten really into it. They all exist together and work at RPD and it is really fun playing with the dynamics between the characters. We have a server where we RP as the self inserts a bit too. We make art and memes about them. I am writing a few things about my self insert too, apart from the amount of times I have drawn her.

I have been stressed a little bit lately too, because my dad made me do this job thing, it's nothing like the old ones I had to do, this one is more passive, but it is hard to feel okay when it feels like your parents are trying to just push you out of the house. I wish there was a way for me to be happy and not feel like a failure.

Back to things that make me happy. I have been listening to a lot of the karaoke songs from the Yakuza games. My favourites are Judgement and MachineGun Kiss. I can sing the full versions from memory now. It's really fun to learn them, and they're good songs. I do listen to video games OSTs all the time anyways, and even the soundtracks for the Yakuza games are really good! There are a lot of things I love about these games. I cannot wait to play all of them. I am currently playing Yakuza Kiwami now and I really love the Majima Everywhere mechanic. Not just because I love Majima and I get really excited whenever I see him. I just find it fun to see when he pops up. It's always the most entertaining when I am not expecting it.

I think that I will end this here. Have a good day.

It has been really nice out lately. I just love the fresh air. I wish it was this nice out last month, but it wasn't. It has been sunny and not too warm. I would have had the windows open sooner than this because I enjoy the cold and it doesn't bother me, but my family would not like that. I haven't gone out for any walks yet because I have been having a hard time with doing my laundry. I am nervous about when I am allowed to do it. I wish that we had a system so it would be easier for me to remember, along with knowing when I can actually do it without someone already having clothes in the washing machine. I have a lot of clothes I need to wash. I need to do it soon. I have also been meaning to go shopping soon for more clothes. I'd rather go alone than with anyone because I feel awkward when shopping with someone. I only have 2 pairs of pants that I can wear out of the house, and one of the two pairs I am a bit iffy on. I want to have more options.

I have been watching more Queer Eye lately and that is what has me wanting to go shopping for clothes. I think that if I were to feel better about myself then maybe I could do better. If I were to get more clothes they would be from the thrift store because I don't have a lot of money. If I had to, I wouldn't mind buying new clothes too. But that is if I cannot find anything that I like that would fit me from a thrift store. I want to be just a bit more femme lately. I don't know why. If I had my way, I would wear skirts more often, but they make me nervous. I'd probably wear shorts underneath still. I don't like the idea of being exposed like that. Even though they would be long skirts, I would still be scared.

I don't know what my fashion inspo would be. I would have to look at Pinterest or something. I usually wear just jeans and a t-shirt. Sometimes I wear sweatshirts or knit sweaters though. I think I'd also want some other kind of pants than jeans. I don't know what I would feel comfortable in though. I need to do some research. I don't like leggings though. I never want to wear those ever again. I will just have to see what I can find when I go shopping. I am the same way with the shirts too. I don't know what I'd look good in.

When I go out I will probably stop at the library too. I have not gone to it yet this year and I would love to look for some manga to read. I know they never have the books I want to read because they are too adult for a library. That is probably why they don't have the books I'd want. Along with the library, I also need to stop at a hobby shop so I can get a small enough paintbrush to paint my statue of Papa Emeritus IV that I got for Christmas last year. I have been waiting for a while to go but the weather has not been good enough for me to go. Now that it is warmer, I can finally go to try and find something. I know that I have two options to choose from when it comes to the hobby shops.

Lately I have been still playing Yakuza but I also picked Saints Row back up because the 2022 reboot got a big update and it's a bit better in terms of bugs but the world doesn't feel very alive to me. Saints Row 2 is still the best Saints Row game and I would kill for a remake but that can't happen apparently. I have replayed Saints Row the Third and Saints Row IV so many times, I can't even count them. I think that they are really good games. I will probably try to play more Yakuza today if I don't play Saints Row. I have also been feeling like playing more LEGO Star Wars because it was around this time last year that I got really into Star Wars again and I am feeling it. I would be replaying the whole game though because the PS5 version of the game doesn't carry over my save data. I don't mind replaying it that much, but I was trying to get 100% on my PS4 save and I have to start over now. At least I love the game.

I really love Yakuza a lot right now though. It's so good. Yakuza Kiwami isn't as good as Yakuza 0 and the substories are lacking a bit. They are a lot of the same. I do really love the Majima Everywhere mechanic though. I love Majima and any time that I get to see him is a treat. I always take a screenshot of him whenever I see him in that park where he takes his breaks when he isn't after you. I make it my own rule to take a screenshot of him whenever I pass by. I just think he's really cool and I think he's pretty and I love him a lot. He is one of my favourite video game characters now. I loved playing as him Yakzua 0. His fighting stances were so fun. I love the slugger stance the most. It's really satisfying to use. I cannot wait to play the other games too. I have a lot to play still, so I should probably finish writing this and play some video games. Have a good day. (I forgot to finish this. Oops!)

I haven't done an entry for a long time. I have done nothing for the entire month of June. I'm sorry about that. I don't know why, I guess I had nothing to talk about. But I think I have something to talk about now if I am adding an entry.

ArtFight started this month. It's my first time participating. I have 2 OCs on my profile. I haven't gotten any attacks yet, but I hope I get one. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get any. I have been having a really hard time with making art. It stresses me out endlessly. I just want to be able to attack someone, but my perfectionism gets in the way of me being able to even submit something. I keep getting panic attacks whenever I try to draw something because I just struggle with it a lot. I had a really bad breakdown yesterday while trying to draw. I tried again not long ago and I am feeling the same panic and dread that I felt yesterday. I feel really bad about it. If I never attack then I'll have failed. It will be so embarrasing for me if I get nothing done for the entire month. It makes me want to cry. I really wish my hobby didn't make me feel this way. I just want to be happy and make art like everyone else. Everyone is having so much fun while I'm getting all freaked out because I can't get facial proportions right, or I can't draw a hairstyle. It's so annnoying. I won't be able to do anything about it. I just can't. It hurts to feel this way. I had another panic attack before falling asleep last night too, about this same thing. I need to relax. I just need to draw something. But I just can't get the will to do it. I can't let myself look bad. I just want to explode at this point.

I try to make myself feel better by distracting myself from this weird feeling in my chest by watching Hellsing Ultimate, or by playing video games, but then the thought will flash in my mind that I will look selfish for not contributing to to everyones fun, and it will bring the panic right back. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing helps me. I hate being this way. I hate feeling this way. I just want to scream and cry. It makes me look very immature, I'd bet, but what else am I to do about this? It just hurts a lot. It's a physical feeling now. It makes me feel so stupid. Everyone else can draw so much faster than me, and so much better than me. It takes me days to complete what a real artist could do in 15 minutes. I hate myself.

This entry is such a downer. I apologize to anyone who decides to read this, but I just needed to put this somewhere. Anywhere, really. I will take a deep breath and try again. I just need to keep trying again and again to get at least something out there. It can feel really isolating when no one has attacked me at all yet. Just need to keep my head up, right? Someone will draw my OCs eventually. I hope.

I'm back with an update a day later. I'm feeling better now about Art Fight. I submitted my first ever attack today. I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there like that. I worry that I may have overreacted but I am allowed to feel how I feel. I am not going to over do it whenever I try to draw. I have these big expectations for myself but that is not what I should be doing. If I'm not having fun, I need to stop and evaluate myself. Ask myself why I want to create art, and why I want to share it with the world. The answer to that question is because I want to inspire others in some way, I want to put a piece of myself out there and see who it resonates with. All art is beautiful, regardless of the creators skill level. Skill level is a myth.

Now that I am feeling better, I want to talk about what I have been doing all this time. There has been a whole month between my last two entries. I hope I can remember what I have been doing.

Starting with what I am able to remember easily, I have been rewatching Hellsing Ultimate. I got really into it again. It always seems to sit in the back of my mind to some capacity but it's been creeping its way back up into my radar. I really love Alucard. I really love all of the protagonists of Hellsing. Anime is often a hit or a miss for me. It's hard for me to get into anime sometimes, and I'm not sure why. So when an anime became my favourite show, I was pretty surprised. It really had an impact on me and I'm not really sure what part of it resonated with me the most. I think I just really love horror and vampires. I love the tone, and the character design. I also really loved how a lot of the characters didn't conform to gender norms. The character Integra is a girl, but she wears suits, and smokes cigars, and everyone calls her sir. She is never really a damsel. I really identify with her. She is more on the masculine side of things, as am I, and I just really loved to see it. There are other characters in the show who are like this as well, but I won't talk about it here because of spoilers. I just think that if you think you'd like Hellsing Ultimate, then please go watch it!

Other than watching Hellsing Ulitmate again, I am still playing the Yakuza games. I am currently playing the sequel, Yakuza Kiwami 2, and it's really good so far. I can't wait to play the Majima Saga, because he is my favourite character in Yakuza and I just love playing as him any chance I get. I have been taking my time with Kiwami 2. It feels like there is more to do in this game than there is in the first game, Yakuza Kiwami, which was also a slight dissapointment for me. I loved the Majima Everywhere mechanic, and I did have fun playing it, but I just found the plot uninteresting, the substories were all the same, and no moments in the game really stuck out for me. It was still good, but I was expecting it to be a bit better than it was.

Yakuza Kiwami 2 already has a better story, and there is more things to do. You can do Majima Construction, or the Cabaret Club minigames. I think both of them are fun. The substories are already miles better than they were in the previous game. A lot of them actually have a plot, rather than it just being someone trying to scam Kiryu, and then Kiryu beats them up, and then they learned their lesson. I can already see myself remembering more of these substories than the ones in Kiwami 1.

Other than the gameplay and story, the game looks great. This isn't my first time playing a game in the Dragon Engine, as I have played a bit of Judgement and am putting it on hold for now, but I just love how it looks. The lighting is beautiful with the lights. When I first saw The Cabaret Grand in Sotenbori at night for the first time in that game, I almost didn't recognize it. Having lighting like that when both Kamurocho and Sotenbori have as many neon signs as they do, it really adds to the feeling of the game. I do think that the other engine looked good, but this just blew me away. Even as I am playing a PS4 game on my PS5, and it changes nothing about the graphics, I still think it looks really good. The Dragon Engine also adds ragdoll physics, which has led to a lot of unintentionally funny moments. I have tons of clips saved to my phone of moments that have made me laugh, like this one.

In general, I have been having a really good time playing Yakuza Kiwami 2. I can't wait to play more of it. Yakuza makes me so happy. It was something that I wasn't really expecting to enjoy as much as I do. It's funny, it's heartwarming, there are even some learning moments for me, as I have not lived on this world as long as others have and I also have a lot I need to learn about the world and how it behave in it. There are obviously some less than good moments, as most things have, but it's best to just acknowlege that it's bad, and to move on. I am glad to have found a good game franchise that I can really sink my time into. These games are all very long. I have over 80 hours in both Yakuza 0 and Yakuza Kiwami and I even still have a few things to do in both of those games. I can only imagine it would take even longer for me to get 100% completion (if I were to do that) but I love having long games. It's really worth the money spent on it, knowing I can play for over 80 hours and still have stuff to do.

This entry is getting long, so I will end it here. If I can think of more stuff to talk about, I will have to post another entry tomorrow. Thanks for reading, and have a nice day!

It has been too long since I have updated this. I never even wrote anything in August. That's my bad. I need to keep on this more, writing about my feelings is good for me, and I have not been doing well at all if I am being quite honest. I am not sure what I can even do about what is wrong, mostly because I do not know what is wrong. I have been feeling really bad about what I have not been doing, which is a lot. I have no job, so I cannot work and that makes me feel useless and lazy. I have been trying to look for a job but everything that I see on job listings are not going to even give me a chance because I lack any experience. Everywhere wants at least 1 year of customer service experience and I have about 6 months. Not only that, I haven't worked retail since 2019. It's really hard for me, but there isn't really much I can do about it. I also know that I won't be able to handle a lot of jobs, like working in fast food would not work for me because of my anxiety and fears. I hope that I can eventually get a job that I can do from home or something. I would be an artist but I don't feel like I am good enough to do that. I should just try freelance journalism maybe? I have no clue.

Enough about job stress, I should talk about what is new with me and my interests. I am still super into Yakuza, I am now playing Yakuza 3! I finished the main story of Yakuza Kiwami 2, but I still have some side stuff to do. I am also doing a replay of Yakuza 0 on the side because my friend is finally playing it and I want us to be at the same rate. I am a bit ahead of her so I have that playthrough on hold for now. Yakuza 3 is different from the others I have played because it is the oldest one. It is the remaster, which is much better than the original. All of the missing content was added back in. Because it is so different fromt the other games that I have played so far, the controls feel a little weird sometimes, but other than that, I really enjoy it so far. I am not sure where the story is going to go, but I am glad to be going in blind so the stuff that happens in the game will be a surprise to me.

Other stuff that is new to me is probably the amount of visual kei I have been listening to. I really enjoy BUCK-TICK a lot, and I am still new to all of it, so I don't know what other groups I would call my favourites. I like what I've heard from DIR EN GREY as well. I just have a playlist of a lot of different visual kei songs that I have been listening to. It is a little hard to be into it when I don't know Japanese, and don't know what a lot of the songs are called, a lot with a few of the groups having their names in Japanese. I really like the heavier stuff the most though.

Somethingt that is new with me that surprised me a lot was getting back into watching Smosh. I used to watch Smosh constantly when I was about 12 or 13 years old. But I stopped watching them cause I wasn't into what they were making at the time. Now, years later, I come across a YouTube short of something they did on one of their side channels and I found it so funny that I decided to watch the whole video that the short was taken from. I was surprised at how funny it was to me. I have been watching a lot of their stuff since then. I think that started late last month, or the beginning of this month, but I enjoy what they're making these days. Not so much their main channel stuff, but to be fair I have not watched much of it. I have mostly been watching Smosh Pit and Smosh Games. Their D&D campaign is actually pretty good. I have not finished watching it yet, but I really like it so far.

It's so strange having a hyperfixation return like this, but it is slightly different because Smosh isn't what it used to be. At first, I felt a little weird about liking them again but that was only because I was worried that people would find me lame for enjoying them or something, but I shouldn't worry about that, I should worry about doing or watching what makes me happy, and if watching Smosh is what makes me happy, than there is nothing more to that. People might view their content as being for younger audiences than myself, but if I enjoy it, then I enjoy it.

Something fun I never got to mention when it happened, was that I got fangs! Finally! Sadly, they don't go on my canines like they should. Because of the way they are shaped, my fangs can't go there. Instead, they go on my lateral incisors. It's not the worst thing in the world, they are still fangs. I like to make up in my head that my fangs just didn't grow in correctly after I got turned. It makes me feel better about them not going where I wanted them to. I can't wait to be a vampire for Halloween. I still need to figure out what I'm gonna wear, but other than that, I think I'm ready.

I'm running out of things to talk about, so I think I will end this entry here. I hope I can remember to write in here more regularly. I don't know how personal I will get though. But even just typing in here has helped me feel better about myself.